Organising desire
I just drew a card that reads: BLOG.
In simpler times, I had my toys for playtime and homework for school time, and all of my days were clearly demarcated. Eventually I found a single hobby and a single direction of study for my career. I was set, and life was simple. The process of deciding what to do in any given moment was straightforward: do the hobby until tired, then work on the career.
Some changes in health, outlook, and circumstances later, life is for the first time truly complicated. I have a full time job. I live with a person and cat who I both love. I'm years deep into managing chronic illness. I'm finding a new set of values based around sustainability and equity. I like my new career a lot. I'm trying to find my voice by making things. It's a web of constraints and unclear priorities.
In the slivers of time I leave for myself, the process of deciding what to do is plagued by feelings of inadequacy and indecision. Every action feels insufficient and every opportunity cost feels too great to bear. Like any good citizen of the internet, when I succumb I take my revenge for all the time I've lost at work, hop on youtube, and drain the rest of my day away.
With some recent headspace gained from changing things up, I've been sitting with some of these feelings. I've written down a list of the things I want to do with my free time. Roughly estimating that I can fit in about seven sessions each week, I culled three, hoping that I'll be able to cycle through all of the remaining ones every week.
I always find it helpful to have the totality of a big task written down. Here the task is massive: make good use of the life I've been given. It's written down on my phone and I hope to continuously revisit it, while I'm walking about, in my dreams, and as life unfolds. I hope to engage with it often enough that I know it by heart, often enough that the precise shape of what I spend my time on is completely unambiguous. I want to accept what's not on the list, and plan to grow into someone who doesn't do those things.
I've put together a small deck of seven cards, each with one of the seven activities written on it, and plan to draw from it when I have some time to spare. By maintaining a discard pile (of cards already drawn), I'll be able to cycle through each of the activities exactly once per week. Initially I mulled over how the randomisation should be implemented, and whether there might be some sort of optimal sampling process that achieves asymptotic consistency with my long-term targets. Now I'm not too fussed about whether the activities are drawn randomly at all. My overarching goal is to complete each of the activities at least once per week, and as long as I'm drawing cards often enough I'll be meeting that target.
As is advisable with new protocols, I'm also maintaining a small diary alongside the deck. I will report back with results.